PEPSI - THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU

As you well know, Pepsi, we’ve had our share of disagreements. We’ve been on a substantial break, to give both of us time to figure things out. I don’t think you’re taking this seriously. You see this bottle? It’s glass, made in Mexico. Normally, when I see a Mexican soda bottle, I have certain expectations. You met none of them. High fructose corn syrup, seriously? It’s as if you’re waging a passive-aggressive war on my taste buds. I will have none of this. Until you man up with some real cane sugar, this relationship is going to go nowhere.